Whoops

16 weeks ago was my 3 year anniversary of walling. Obviously I had no idea. One day I may make someone a terrible wife. But that's still a nice achievement, ne? I can't help but smile with pride.

And today I looked at where I'm standing and where I stood.

That is a nice feeling isn't it? In retrovision somethings can look ultra harsh, and other things can be blurred and softened by the present. It's really very selective isn't it? Personally I've always organized my memories, thoughts, and feelings like photographs. Today I sat down and flipped through the pages and savored each moment I had.

Looking back, there are somethings I am embarrassed about. But I don't feel anything like regret. Looking at the things I put together in the past reminds me of a person I once was. The person's a little different, almost like looking at a photo of yourself as a baby. It's strange to realize how different and yet the same a person becomes.

I guess the only place to start is the beginning. The first wall I ever made. I admit it, I had been slowly building it up in my head. I had secretly been studying the movements of others and looking on in envy at their popularity. I wanted to make something as well. I wanted people to turn on their desktop and see something I had crafted.

So I downloaded a free 30 day trial of Adobe Photoshop. I had plenty of previous experience with it - at school on my free time, I had obsessively been using the eraser tool to chisel out scans of random anime characters. Ever since that fateful yearbook class in eighth grade I continue to this day to be obsessed with cutting out images.

And so I made my first wall, in 3 hours. It was a red outer space scene, with a girl in pigtails placed awkwardly in the corner. Her name is Chidori. And, yes, the wall had multiple photoflares. I had a firm belief at that time that the clone/stamp tool was useless as well. I had no idea what the rule of 3rds was. I was awesome like that.

To this day, that wall has only received 3 comments.
But I certainly had to start somewhere, and I literally started at the very bottom of the digital world. I admit, at first I wanted to only make something sparkly and pretty. My earlier works certainly reflect that.

When you first start walling, it's a little bit like putting on make up for the first time. And of course, you think you look fab when in reality you've got on too much eyeliner and blush. And obviously, no one ever goes for the neutral or understated colors. And so I went insane with pastel sparkle tacky-ness.

And in the middle of this phase, I switched sites. It sounds pathetic to have gratitude towards an internet site , but I have no other words to describe how I feel about AP.
It's no secret that I am pretty much an ignored person. But when I submitted my first piece at AP, it hit rank 1. That was the first time in my life that I remember feeling reinforced or encouraged to continue about anything. Looking back at the comments, I remember every thought that raced through my mind as I read them.
"What do you mean "text" This wall is perfectly fine without it!" (Yeah umm that was back in the heyday of customized fonts, before "text" became practically a sin if executed wrongly or repetitively)

I was set on fire after that. And slowly I gained extreme (and unexpected) popularity. There were times when I would second guess myself. Was I really accomplishing anything at all?

Then I hit my peak. Wonderland. It may sound conceited but I understand perfectly why that wall is still my most popular. Over 2,000 downloads later, I wonder what kind of people have seen that image. I wonder what they thought about it? I wonder if someone religiously uses it?

Then my ranking started slowly going up. At first I was overwhelmed with joy at the little star that appeared next to my name. Then a few months later it changed to an apostrophe.

I will admit, it is awesome to be considered a "senior member." I'm ranked number 26 today out of 689,468 registered users.
It kinda commands respect, right? XD

I have too much pride to paint myself as a popularity whore. But undoubtedly I feel sad when I don't get very many comments. And surely, my main motivation use to be validation of others.

But it's not my main drive any longer, because I realized I could never be fulfilled wholly that way.

But I digress.

Many people in my life accuse me of "hating everything."

I have no idea how to respond.

But I will say that there is no possible way for me to list the things I truly like and appreciate. More often than not they are very trivial.

So what exactly do I like?

The feeling I get knowing someone appreciates my work.
The feeling I get when I tell someone to have a nice day.
The feeling I get when I get someone to approach an idea differently.
The feeling of having helped someone convey their message.
The way people laugh at my writing.
The way someone smiles when I crack a joke.
Little compliments I receive about my appearance.
Watching a really funny movie.
Hearing some random person say something entirely ridiculous when they think I can't hear.
Listening to an amazing song.
Seeing a cute guy smile.
Seeing a cute guy take of his clothes.
Having a seizure on stage.
Seeing someone cheer up.
Getting into an argument with someone.
Making someone cry.
Being scared out of my mind with someone.
Reading a book I've visited many times before.
Venturing into a new book that I can come to love and live secret lives within.
Someone randomly telling me that I could write a book if I only tried.
Someone chastising me for not doing my best.
Being an anal witch face.

If I gave any one of those answers, I'd sound crazy, selfish as hell, or frivolous. Or maybe I'm just really bad at communicating my thoughts with others. But honestly I don't mind either way. I can't compare my pleasures with others, and I can't prove their worth. Validation is something I have to get from myself.

Looking at my walls today I realized all of this. And that's why I am so grateful, and I think my heart may burst with sentimentality. I have an endless amount of tomorrow, and a wonderful collage of yesterdays. To say I don't hate some things would be a lie. To say I don't still look to others for little pieces of spoiling validation would also be a lie. I still have forever to become mature, ne?

And so I wonder what I will think one year from now. And if I can still be strong enough to look forward and smile.